Our guest columnist – Con Constantine – will present readers with a cleverly written send-up and an ironic imitation of the building industry.

Con hopes that by enjoying his articles – you will learn about the building industry and not fall into carefully concealed traps that can be costly, stressful and time-consuming.

Con strongly supports the concept of ‘buyer beware’ but at UltraCon Constructions – its more about what he doesn’t say!

Bienvenue to you all –

Yes – I am still in French mode and a little hot-under-the-collar for very good reason and its nothing to do with you – my loyal and devoted followers/fans – or oddly enough – Inspector Mike Heathcote.

It is Mrs. Constantine who is holding the Sword of Damocles over my head and to my throat!! I feel I really need Poirot’s help to sort this out.

Mrs. Constantine has told me that she knows something about my new best friend – French artisan extraordinaire – GreenGnome Sac-Du-Mains – and unless I am happy for her to be a dibba-dobber – GreenGnome and I have to do something for her.

The Madrid LBGTI Festival is in a couple of months and for Mrs. Constantine – it is not only an opportunity for her to flaunt her wares – or no-wares!! – it is an international marketing opportunity for UltraCon Constructions.

Mrs. Constantine is getting a bespoke bull costume made and because bulls have four legs – and will need to run on this occasion – both GreenGnome and I will need to have three or more torturous fittings to make sure the bull costume looks authentic and fits at both ends.

GreenGnome and I will have to throw a coin to decide who will be the bulls head – complete with horns and who will be the hind end. I know what the hind end is going to do so I’m happy to keep the peace and volunteer to be the head complete with horns.

At the LBGTI Festival in Madrid there will be the iconic Running of the Bulls through the streets of Madrid during the Opening Ceremony.

GreenGnome and I have to join the bulls running in our bespoke bull costume and run fast so we are not immediately identified as fraudsters. When I give GreenGnome the signal – his end of the bull will expel UltraCon Constructions laminated business cards. Olè  Olè !!!!!

Meanwhile – Mrs. Constantine will be aboard the UltraCon Constructions float – dressed as a Flamenco Show Girl – doing her thing! I’m sure the crowd will think Mrs. Constantine is in incredulous shape (for her age) as they did in Rio.

I guess this is all a small price to pay to satisfy Mrs. Constantine’s insatiable appetite for control and to stop her being a dibba-dobber.

I had an interesting telephone call a couple of weeks ago – one of Inspector Mike’s clients – Agnes.

Agnes found the apartment of her dream and engaged Inspector Mike to do a Building and Pest Inspection after Agnes had signed the Contract – the Inspection was done during the three-day cooling off period.

Ace – whoops I mean Inspector Mike – completed the inspection and much to Agnes’s chagrin – but Inspector Mike’s glee – there were multiple building defects.

Agnes was bewildered and distressed as the Real Estate Agent told her she was throwing money away engaging Inspector Mike – the apartment was perfect because he had said so.

The thought of his tricycle jettisoned Inspector Mike into negotiation mode so Agnes formally engaged him to negotiate with the Real Estate Agent on her behalf.

Inspector Mike managed to negotiate the right price for the apartment in light of the Building Defect Report – Agnes was absolutely thrilled about the money she had saved and had an idea she was not about to share with Inspector Mike.

A friend of Agnes’s told her about UltraConstructions Versailles Dream Home so Agnes called me to commence discussions about a possible purchase.

Agnes was delighted to hear from me that UltraCon’s Dream Homes are defect-free so she can say ta ta to Inspector Mike and Ace – and begin negotiations with me.

I like to be up-front and front-up so I did tell Agnes about UltraCon’s negotiation service. Inspector Mike goes down down like the Big Red Thumb – but I go Up Up Up – ‘would you like doors and windows with that’!!!

We live in an increasingly litigious society and the insurance companies are having a field day creating fear in the community in order to generate and sell more and more policies.

Inspector Mike is often asked if he has a ‘guarantee’ or any type of insurance which would give the client the ability to sue for damages in the unlikely event he – or one of his inspectors – missed a property fault.

I think that if Mike – being the head honcho inspector – missed a property fault he would blame his termite detecting, chess playing companion – Border Collie, Ace!!! Then he would turn around and tell his clients to sue Ace because he has pet insurance!

Inspector Mike tells his clients that he could make this type of insurance available, but in situations of common law experience and in practice – residential property buyers find it almost impossible to successfully claim on these policies.

I don’t need to duck and weave when asked about insurance because when people buy an UltraCon Dream Home – they know there are no property defects.

If I do need insurance – we have an UltraCon Constructions subsidiary called Incredulous Insurance Inc. so I can insure myself and make claims till the cows come home. If Inspector Mike ever changes his mind and decides to purchase building related insurance – I would welcome him to talk to me about our Incredulous Insurance Inc policies.

Keep laughing (at my expense!) and learning!

Until next time –