Our guest columnist – Con Constantine – will present readers with a cleverly written send-up and an ironic imitation of the building industry.
Con hopes that by enjoying his articles – you will learn about the building industry and not fall into carefully concealed traps that can be costly, stressful and time-consuming.
Con strongly supports the concept of ‘buyer beware’ but at UltraCon Constructions – its more about what he doesn’t say!
Tally Ho and welcome back to my great Institute of learning about the Building Industry.
My time spent with the British Prime Minter – BoJo – has not been in vain. Our combined success with Brexit pales into insignificance in comparison to how I have become an Angle File – so very posh and British!
This is a good thing because I have committed to making all construction in the UK defect free by the end of 2022 so it is better for me to blend in when I am sending most of Britain’s builders to the wall rather than to stand out as a well-groomed but slightly rough-around-the edges Aussie tycoon.
I wear an overly oversized crest ring because I have been anointed into the House of Lairds. My ring is engraved with a giant Fruit Flan to keep Mrs. Constantine happy. The ring also comes in handy as a knuckle duster when I meet with the slightest opposition from those who are trying to protect their riddled-with-defects construction companies.
If you see anyone with a giant Fruit Flan imprinted on their forehead – you will know they have tried to take me on – and failed.
This year I am going to alert my followers to R.E.A.T.O.T.T – Real Estate Agents’ Tricks of the Trade.
R.E.A.T.O.T.T works like this:
Mrs. Don’t-Worry-Honey-I’ll-Deal-With-The-Real-Estate-Agent is shown her dream home by a Real Estate Agent who passed his Turn-A-Blind-Eye-To-Everything-Except-Your-Commission course with Dishonours.
Mr. Smooth-and-Overly-Perfumed meets his client at the property but is in a huge hurry because he only has the use of his Maserati for a couple of hours. He needs to return it to his office by a certain time and go home in his bashed-up Corolla.
Closing the deal is all that matters so he hands his client the contract but rather than clearly explain the three-day cooling off period – he starts to talk about last night’s episode of Married at First Sight.
The client is impressed/confused/impressed/confused but the Real Estate Agent creates such a fear of loss in the client – she signs on the dotted line. Then – hardly drawing breath – he gives her two complimentary air tickets to a has-to-be-faraway destination of her choice.
Of course – the three-day cooling off period will be forgotten – the defect-ridden property will be sold and the Agent will pocket his commission.
Please don’t fret– this guy will end up with a giant Fruit Flan embedded in his forehead!
My next topic is the omnipresent Real Estate Sales Bored. We’ve all seen them – wide lens camera shots and clever lighting and the oh so Poet Lauriat descriptions..
“Charming original beachside cottage with uninterrupted views of the bay. Large land, Northerly aspect, perfect for vegies and pets. Holiday fun for the family with a lovely weathered character appearance. A truly low maintenance investment.”
Let’s do an Inspector Clouseau investigation on the Real Estate Agent’s pitch:
Original = asbestos
Uninterrupted views = the garden has died due to a lack of attention
Large land = focus on the land, not the house
Northerly aspect = focus on the aspect, not the house
Vegies and pets = overlook the dilapidated sheds and use your imagination
Weathered character – if you must look at the house, please see it as having character
Low maintenance = there won’t be any maintenance needed because it actually requires demolition
At UltraCon Constructions we don’t need to advertise our defect free Dream Homes – they sell themselves.
Our clients don’t need Inspector Mike and his giant magnifying glass looking for defects and his termite detecting Border Collie – Ace.
As for negotiating the price – it’s a no brainer at UltraCon Constructions. Who would say no, thanks to “do you want windows, floors and doors with that?”
In finishing – I would like to say to the building industry – to not beware of the Ides of March but beware of Con and his Fruit Flan engraved Crest Ring!
Mike Heathcote is the founder of Building Masters Inspections and a veteran builder with decades of experience. Utilising his industry knowledge, Mike and his team of experienced Builders provide an Inspection Service offering expert opinion on the true condition of buildings, including estimated repair costs, helping home buyers find their perfect property, Melbourne wide.