Our guest columnist – Con Constantine – will present readers with a cleverly written send-up and an ironic imitation of the building industry.
Con hopes that by enjoying his articles – you will learn about the building industry and not fall into carefully concealed traps that can be costly, stressful and time-consuming.
Con strongly supports the concept of ‘buyer beware’ but at UltraCon Constructions – its more about what he doesn’t say!
I welcome myself and my loyal followers back for another year of fearless fun.
I have just returned from the UK where I assisted Prime Minister BoJo in signing the final Brexit documents. In my capacity as Lord Constantine – member of the House of Lairds – I was witness to the many documents signed by BoJo.
I also signed a document – which BoJo witnessed – which was my formal pledge to have all new construction in the UK defect free by the end of 2022.
I do hope Inspector Mike is reading this editorial because I hear on the passion fruit vine that Building Masters Inspections is gathering so much momentum in Australia (ooofermism for success) that Inspector Mike is planning to take his giant magnifying glass to other parts of the world.
If he doesn’t take my position of power in the UK seriously – and my pledge of have all construction therein defect free by the end of 2022 – he should remember to take his bike because he will be pedalling around the UK – cap in hand – collecting for his retirement fund.
I can now reveal that my power and influence is far reaching and I have iconic status in the USA because word is out about UltraCon Constructions and my defect free building.
I will never abuse my international power but I am going to lean on President Donald – metaphorically and literally – to reverse my estranged brother George’s impeachment here in Australia. I am going to offer him a ship load of freshly picked impeaches in exchange for silence from me about what really goes on in the White House – and for his assistance with brother George’s un-impeachment just like his.
My plans for this year include having my Year 12 Latin Thesis on Claddingtum Flammabilis (Flammable Cladding) made compulsory reading in all schools and universities Australia wide to start with – and then globally. Students will learn that Flammable Cladding is nothing new. The first cases were documented in 1631 when Vesuvius erupted and the city of Pompeii went up in flames.
In my capacity as Minister for Defect Free Building – both here and in the UK – I am going to pass an act of Parliament to make it compulsory that all builders do a stint in Pompeii and sit exams there until they pass with Distinctions so Flammable Cladding will be something relegated to the history books. Any builders who don’t pass their exams will have to stay in Pompeii – full stop.
I am also going to try and convince Inspector Mike to put an end to his Property Negotiation service whereby members of his team (converted real estate agents!!) re-negotiate lower purchase prices for his clients based on the results of Building Masters Inspection reports – with no Out-of-Pocket Expenses – how does he do that?
Inspector Mike does not realise – or doesn’t wish to realise that I am now in a position of irrefutable power across the globe and UltraCon Constructions will have a world-wide monopoly of the building industry.
He just doesn’t get that all my buildings are defect free and that I negotiate UP – not DOWN. It’s the ‘do you want floors, windows, and doors with that’ principle. Who can say no thank you? It is a laid- down-midair every time. After all – who wants a house – or any other building that is a mere, draughty shell.
If you have any questions about Brexit and Flammable Cladding – and anything in between – fire away!
Mike Heathcote is the founder of Building Masters Inspections and a veteran builder with decades of experience. Utilising his industry knowledge, Mike and his team of experienced Builders provide an Inspection Service offering expert opinion on the true condition of buildings, including estimated repair costs, helping home buyers find their perfect property, Melbourne wide.