Q and A with special guest columnist, Con Constantine
Our guest columnist – Con Constantine – will present readers with a cleverly written send-up and an ironic imitation of the building industry.
Con hopes that by enjoying his articles – you will learn about the building industry and not fall into carefully concealed traps that can be costly, stressful and time-consuming.
In my previous column about Building Inspections – I invited you to ask me questions but I did ask that I be addressed as ‘Dear Con’ and not Hi or Hello Con.
There were, indeed, many interesting and challenging questions but I am only going to answer those whose salutation was as I had requested. This indicates that these people read and perhaps re-read my previous article more carefully than others – notwithstanding with similar enthusiasm.
Mrs. Constantine also received a great deal of questions but, like me, Mrs. Constantine will not be answering mail from those whose salutation was anything other than ‘Dear Mrs. Constantine’.
Also – there were many questions about the fruit flans and in particular – the shortest of short pastry.
The short pastry is a patented family secret – handed down through the generations – so sadly there can be no discussion about how Mrs. Constantine creates her famous shortest of short pastry for the fruit flans.
This strict adherence to protocol reflects how Mrs. Constantine and I run UltraCon Constructions – inspiring CONfidence at every level.
Many of you asked questions about my recruiting and training of building inspectors for UltraCon’s Brilliant Building Inspection service.
John of Mytcham said the training day sounded “cool” and asked if he could come along to one of the next sessions. I said of course – as long as he has a current driver’s licence. John also asked how many building inspectors we had ay UltraCon. The answer is that I have lost count but that is not a problem. I want Brilliant Building Inspectors to have a market monopoly so the more the merrier is the best way to do it.
John also asked about keeping track of UltraCon’s Brilliant Building Inspectors.
The way I manage this is via my own Rent-A-RustBucket car yard. From time to time I go and see how many of my portrait car stickers have been left on the vehicles. As long as there are more than none – I am happy and CONfident that my Brilliant Building Inspectors are out in the marketplace doing their jobs – swiftly.
Jim of Jeelong said he and his wife were very keen to talk to me about building their dream home and asked how the process begins.
It is quite simple – I begin with my clients talking to my Inflexible Home Mortgage subsidiary where finance can be organised instantly with no-fuss, no-strings-attached and no documents. One phone call does it all.
Finance is always guaranteed and I take 50% as a deposit for the imminent construction after which we begin to talk dream homes. After a brief discussion with my clients – I contact my Terrific Tradies subsidiary and line up Karl’s Kwik Concreting, Rick’s Ridiculously Cheap Roofing, Gary’s Glorious Gardens and whomever else is required for the job.
Talking of my Terrific Tradies subsidiary – I did have several emails mentioning my column featured oxymorons.
I have always thought an oxymoron was an unintelligent cow but upon further investigation – I now know that an oxymoron is bringing two words of opposite meaning together which can be verbally puzzling but engaging all the same. I was never taught this in school.
Obviously, a few of you think my Terrific Tradies is an oxymoron but I can assure and reassure you that my Terrific Tradies are just that and your jobs will be finished so fast that it just might make your head spin, all without any trace of my Terrific Tradies being having ever been on site – what’s more, you will never have any further contact with them.
I have three standard dream homes which can be tweaked to comply with my idea of the building code so when I have approved the client’s finance and I have my 50% deposit – we can sit down and talk business.
I will talk further about building an UltraCon Constructions dream home – in record time – but I do want to answer a couple more questions I have received.
Frank from Footasgrey was very interested in the marketing side of UltraCon Constructions but sadly addressed Mrs. Constantine as – Hi Connie. Mrs. Constantine did ask to be addressed according to her wishes – Hello Mrs. Constantine – so she will not be responding to Frank’s email.
However – I am so proud that I have created a building mega-empire I feel it is my duty to share business secrets and strategies that are not our dynasty secrets.
Mrs. Constantine insists I attend as many functions as possible and she manages to get me/us invitations to book launches – first nights at the Ballet and Opera –Gallery openings and upper-end charity events.
I am often invited to be the head sausage sizzler outside big hardware chains which can be a great way to drum up business.
I insist there is an oversized photograph of me so when people ask if the photo is really me – I can stop sizzling sausages and hand out brochures, sign autographs and get people to sign building contracts there and then – on the spot.
My portrait sticker together with the UltraCon Constructions stickers on the rear window of the Rent-a-RustBucket vehicles are also a successful marketing tool because the vehicles themselves attract attention with magnetic strips down each side saying “Rent-a-RustBucket”. Seeing as most people spend the best part of the day sitting in traffic jams, my advertising is often a talking point.
Thank you to those who were so interested in Mrs. Constantine’s fruit flans. If you want to try one – please come to one of my Brilliant Building Inspections training days and become one of Building Inspectors. Kill two birds with one stone!
Last but not least – the best oxymoron of them all is that I am sure you find my articles SERIOUSLY FUNNY!!!
Mike Heathcote is the founder of Building Masters Inspections and a veteran builder with decades of experience. Utilising his industry knowledge, Mike and his team of experienced Builders provide an Inspection Service offering expert opinion on the true condition of buildings, including estimated repair costs, helping home buyers find their perfect property, Melbourne wide.